5 Truth Telling Questions to Ask Yourself Before Taking the Leap Home
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We are in a time where we as women get to choose what we want to do with our lives. (for the most part in 1st world countries in the year 2019) That’s my disclaimer. Yes, we as women are still discriminated against, repressed and demeaned. YET, I am thankful that I live now and not 200 years ago, being a scullery maid from 6 am – 11 pm. With all of our (relatively) new found freedom, there are some hard choices we still need to make. Should I continue to work outside the home or be a Stay At Home Mom – SAHM?
There are sooooooo many factors that play into this question, and each deserves to be taken and examined to be sure we are setting ourselves, and our families up for success!
A quick look at women in the workforce
Women have only just recently begun to step outside the confines of the home. Yes, back in the day you could have been in domestic service or such, but the Industrial Revolution kicked it into high gear (think the 1790’s). Women were cheap labor in factories, along with children.
Then in the US, after the Civil War, when over 600,000 men died in battle, women and children once again expanded their number in factories and the fields. (think 1865).
The latest rush of women into the workforce was from WWII, which would forever change the workforce landscape to the tune of 6 million women stepping out to help the nation by keeping life in the States turning (think 1941). (source)
Women rushing back into the homes to be SAHM’s
With the rise of the infamous Martha Stewart in the 1990’s women were looking at homemaking and at SAHM’s in a new light. Being a homemaker was chic! Ah, the word “chic”, makes me chuckle, I’m thinking Laura Ashley fabrics, telephones with long cords, souffle and the like (don’t get me wrong, a tasty goat cheese souffle is tops on my list, thanks Martha!)
Yes, there are always pockets in society or geographical areas where things were different, or more “traditional” or less so. No one thing is ever 100% constant or even. I’m talking in terms of general trends. We cool? Cool.
Women were back in the homes and loving it! Or were we? Many women before you (and many more after) will go through the process of weighing the pros & cons, and looking at if they will be suited to a SAHM life.
5 questions to consider when deciding on being a stay at home mom
Okay, so you work outside the home, maybe a regular 9-5 office job, or perhaps a 3 -11 retail job, maybe you love it, and maybe you hate it. You’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, even daydreaming about spending more time at home with your little ones. Let’s break down the main points to help you decide if you should jump into the yoga pant uniform of a stay at home mom!
1. Can we afford it?
Yup, you guessed it, this is probably the most significant and most heavily weighted factor when deciding if you could be a SAHM. I hate to say it, but math is math, the numbers don’t change just because you really want to be a stay at home mom.
My best tip is for you is to rework your budget to see if you can live off of the other spouse’s income. Take your pay and put it aside into a separate account. Try living this way for two months and see how it feels without your income. Don’t cheat and secretly pull money into the spending fund; this won’t do you any good in the long run.
It’s no joke that money problems are the number one stressor between adult relationships, and the #2 cause of divorce (behind infidelity). There are also a lot of secondary effects on children’s development to consider when money problems arise.
RELATED: Your Stong and Healthy Family Starts With Your Bottom Line
You’ll also want to have a good heart to heart with your partner. Will this stress them out a lot to have all the financial breadwinning pressure on them? If their job is in any way unstable, then you need to reconsider.
2. How much adult interaction do you crave?
If you are a natural extrovert then being a SAHM and being just with your little ones all day may be a challenge for you. If you NEED adult interaction can you get it from other places? Say kiddo play parks or your neighbor? Do you’re best girlfriends live close by?
I have a friend who works part-time, and all of her wages basically go to pay for daycare. She is one of those people that NEEDS adult time, so three days a week she goes to work. This keeps her sane, and it makes her a better mom because she is happy and recharged by being around others. A win-win!
Also, consider the needs of your little one. If you are at home, then most likely they won’t be in daycare anymore. Interacting with others is one of the main ways for how kids learn. If they are an only child, and you live far away from other littles, then this lack of learning time may impact them in an unexpected, developmental way. They may have a harder time transitioning to full-time school when their time comes.
3. How much do you love or hate your job?
There comes a point in everyone’s life when they wake up with dread in their heart because they have to go to work. I sympathize, I really do. It’s draining to have this hanging around your neck. But I want you to think if it’s the place that you work, the job that you do, or just working that you hate? Be honest now. Can you switch job site locations? Can you take a lateral move to try a new role in your company? Start looking at your company website to see what kind of jobs are coming up. Do you have something else that you would 10,000 times rather be doing? Don’t spend your days dreading your eight-hour workday. Life is too short.
If you like your job, can you take an extended leave of absence for a few months to get yourself settled? Or if your company is very established can you leave on good terms and potentially return to work in a few years when your little ones are older? Returning to work after a hiatus may be a good option, but it may not be the easiest; as work environments, technologies and skill sets needed to succeed can change quickly. See if there’s anyone in your company that has returned to work from a similar leave, invite them to coffee and pick their brain!
4. How ambitious are you?
I thought that I would love being a SAHM for the short three months of maternity leave that I would be taking with the birth of my daughter. My experience was a bit more unconventional as I took five months off work due to my daughter coming ten weeks early. We spent the first two months in the NICU, me being there every day, and then the next three months at home doing the traditional maternity leave. I think that when we were one month into our being home, I was climbing the walls a bit. It could have been due to all the stress from having an early delivery and the worries that come with it. I felt that I NEEDED to contribute.
Yes, taking care of our little one is undoubtedly and 100% contributing, but I needed more. I have always been working, making my own money and contributing financially, and it was hard not to be doing this. Some of you will get this, and others won’t. That’s fine, I “get me” and so does my husband, and honestly, those are the only opinions that I am worried about. I am ambitious, I’m not ashamed, and I’m not going to change.
Now you can certainly re-enter the workforce at a later time, so if you are ambitious, can it be on the back burner for a little while? Only you can honestly answer that.
A side note on ambition, when talking to moms about this very topic, many of them mentioned that they mourned the loss of their own individual identity. They were now “just Mom”; a chauffeur, cleaner, cook, emotional support worker, planner, etc. They weren’t “Chelsea, the amazing online marketing strategist” anymore. So if you’re a SAHM, what will your identity be? Do you know? How will you feel if you are no longer what you once were?
5. How will you know if it’s just not working?
The best plans are the ones that have an exit strategy! Because this means that the people involved have thought of potential roadblocks and have most likely prepared for those. It’s best if you and your spouse sit down and not only talk about the above questions, but talk about how you will know if this new plan is a success or something that needs to go back to the drawing board.
Will the main element be your happiness or the bank account balance? Or will it be the condition of your home and children’s behavior? A combo of all of the above? Once you have your success framework, plan to meet a month into the change to evaluate, and tweak. This sounds so “official” I know, but you and your partner will both feel better knowing that there will be an opportunity to bring up issues and to be heard.
Benefits of being a SAHM
Just as there are benefits to working (more money, Mommy being an independent and kick-ass woman, etc.), there are also benefits for you and your family if you stay home.
The is a big one if you have young ones, along with grade school-age kids. There’s homework to help with, clubs to join, sports to play in. Just writing this out is a bit overwhelming. So a more flexible schedule can be hugely beneficial.
Less juggling responsibilities = less stress
How does the saying go “happy wife = happy life”. Now I am not going to say that this is wrong 🙂 But everyone knows that when you are happier then you will be a better partner to your spouse and a better mother to your children. I know that on days where I am home (I work part-time) I am less exhausted and I enjoy cooking dinner.
Spending more time with your kiddos
Nuff said. This is the biggest perk. The just waking up from nap cuddles, the lunchtime hilarious spaghetti fiasco, the days just spent at the park swinging and exploring.
On days that we’re home together, my daughter loves to go shopping and be a good helper. She loves going to Target, where she’s in charge of putting things in the cart. Of course, she’s sitting in the cart, I hand her item, and she drops it behind her head down into the cart. We’re a good team 🙂
Explore new hobbies or options to make money
Maybe you’ve always wanted to sew or grow your organic veggies. Perhaps you’ve wanted to flip bicycles or try freelance writing. This could be an excellent opportunity to develop these skills. Now don’t get me wrong, you’re not going to have oodles and oodles of free time. But there will be opportunities to explore.
At the end of the day
Shifting to be a SAHM is a big decision, and it (and your partner) deserve a thoughtful process around this. Don’t jump into it, yet don’t drag your feet forever just because you’re scared. Be the smart Mama that I know you are and have a backup plan, and maybe even another backup plan just in case! Being a stay at home mom can be a fantastic adventure. If you do take the plunge, have fun and pack lots of crackers!
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